Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
