I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
