I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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