booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
