false alarm. still invincible.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
