Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
