Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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