Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize