i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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