When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
