Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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