can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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