My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize