I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
