she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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