My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
