Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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