Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
