nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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