I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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