Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
