You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
