Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
