Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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