Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
