Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
