We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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