Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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