also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
