Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
