I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
