And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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