I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
