Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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