i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
