Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
