I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
