I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
