nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
