i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
did i just pee glitter
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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