a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
