8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
