Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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