Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
