moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we're making bets on your personal life
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
