also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Rumble strips road head = magical
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
