david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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