Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
