I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
