I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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