if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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