Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Randomize
