got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
