Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Found the puke drawer
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
