I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
