My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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