mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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