Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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