walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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