Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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