I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
