She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
